6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
