Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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