dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
