Moan for me like Helen Keller
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
