His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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