Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
