you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
