Can i not drive my cunt home
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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