dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
