this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
sarcasm needs its own font
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
