I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
