i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
