i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
