I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
