We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
