So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
