So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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