is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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