I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
