Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
