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He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dignity is for republicans.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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