drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
