Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
