stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
