It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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