I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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