whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize