The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
