i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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