You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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