I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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