my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize