I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
