I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
