you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
