I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize