My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
