I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hippo gnu deer
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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