So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
