You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
