Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
