yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
