We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
