I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
