His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
