Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
