is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
