I wish they made helmets for livers.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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