turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
