Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
