Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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