As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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