i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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