If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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