so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize