Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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