A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
