theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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