I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
