Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
