If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
