I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The beer is more important than you right now.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
