I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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