Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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