you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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