In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
