I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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