I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
